Something happened to me yesterday that helped me to understand a limitation. Since planning and judgment are mixed up, I didn't exactly think through this and see potential problems. Okay, so here's what happened...

I wrote some thoughts about something on Twitter. You know that I have trouble finding the right words, stringing them into sentences, etc. Someone commented, and I tried to clarify what I was really saying, since it seemed that she misunderstood. That's not a big deal; misunderstandings happen all the time. I kept trying to explain, and eventually said that I wasn't going to continue the discussion since I didn't feel she was hearing what I said. At one point, she asked me why I was getting so defensive. The answer was valid, but I didn't realize until later that it was only part of the problem.
When a person experiences
emotional burns,
even things (like this) that feel more like attacks can bring back a lot of stuff related to trauma. That's what happened here, but there is no way I would state that since I would then be told to "give it to God" or something to that affect. "Why are you getting so defensive anyway?" she asked. I was talking to my boyfriend about this whole thing when I finally understood:

If I am having trouble putting sentences and thoughts together and understanding whole concepts, how can I defend my position. I know that she never meant to take advantage of the TBI, but that is what happened! I can not debate, argue, challenge or defend a position since I do not understand whole concepts. As I think about this, I wonder if I recognized the vulnerability. I do remember feeling really anxious, which increased with each reply that was tossed my way. The stuff I said to try to explain what I had written--the thing that started this Twitter war--was pretty laughable.
#1: I didn't feel like she heard a word I said...it was like her opinion was the only one that counted for anything. Oh, and of course I was wrong about everything I said.
#2: I wrote things as thoughts...observations, not as opinions and certainly not facts.
#3: TBI or not, my thoughts needed to be respected. The bombardment of stuff telling me I was incorrect in absolutely everything should never have entered my timeline.

So after that ambush, there has been a setback in the trust department. I do not want to engage in conversation where I will be asked, told, commanded or otherwise notified to state something that can be argued. It's so strange and really frustrating not to even be able to explain stuff or reason with someone. It seems so childish, but I guess it's really not? This person was unfollowed, but I can't help but wonder if that was evidence of...um...cowardice? Maybe it was the healthy thing to do...because even if she was in debate mode, it seemed more like an attack, perhaps because I did not know how to answer the rebuffs. Things just kept coming my way, and I could not defend my position. That statement alone makes me want to cry...what happened to the forensic psych student who could play psychological expert witness? Where is the girl who wrote crisis intervention scripts, hypothetical? counseling/client sessions and papers on disorders/theories/treatments/reflections? I know all of that is still in there somewhere; I just don't have the connections to find it. If you asked me to tell you the DSM IV-TR classification for bipolar disorder, I could have rattled all that off in thirty seconds! At the moment, I can sort of tell you what it is, but that's about it. Maybe the reason the stuff that happened yesterday bothers me so much is because I saw someone--someone I would have called a friend--disregard who I am at the moment. I had no idea how to explain what I thought and felt about her replies, and given what I have seen, that wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm not sure if she forgot the TBI, or if it just didn't matter...as long as she could get her ideas of right and wrong out there. Okay, I think I'm done, and I am not going back through this novel...I already know how disorganized it is. I'm sort of wondering if I have been reduced as a person...either because apparently I do not "know" what's going on, or because I am not sure how to handle the debates, arguments or otherwise forceful discussions. Ask me to prove something with facts or produce justifications for what I think, and...that's just not happening! I am anxious about engaging in discussion anyway, since I'm not sure who will use me for target practice...next. One more thing: I am eternally grateful to those who have been willing to stick with me, temporary changes and all. Since all the TBI stuff increases when I am under stress, I thank the person who was willing to listen to me stutter my way through stuff last night!
So finally?...Just... Bethany fail! That is all!

Tricky Brain Terrain

The financial aid office feels the need to penalize me because of the brain injury. The short version is that I owe them a bunch of money since I withdrew from my classes past the add/drop date. When that day came and went, I had no idea that I was going to sustain an injury that would put me out of commission for six months! My aid was revoked? because of the withdrawal past the date? It looks like my choices were to stay in my classes and likely fail since I'm not in a position to learn advanced level psychology...I mean, I'm having to learn how to plan one activity at a time! I have to learn how to put things together again to make a whole...forget about understanding complex theories. So my options were failing classes and keeping the aid or not being able to register because I owe them a bunch of money. I sure hope there is an appeal process because I don't believe this is fair or ethical. It's just that learning these simple things is hard enough! Add this financial aid fiasco, and I'm pushed past my current endurance capacity? I am going to my contact at the advocacy agency; right now, I need help understanding all the aspects of stuff, planning the best options and determining what's right and wrong. I wouldn't put it past some of these people to use the TBI against me. 
I'm also discouraged today because I started thinking about the stuff I had planned. In October or November, I decided I wanted to see if I could get some of my work published in one of the lesser known psychology journals. It's best for undergrad students to try for one of these rather than the national journals that are almost impossible for even doctorate submissions. Um, I'm not sure if I wrote that last sentence properly. I was also planning on going to the RMPA, which is our regional psychological association. It's just disappointing that both of those things have to be put on hold. I was working through that when I got the news about financial aid.

Finally, it really drives me nuts when people ask what I'm doing with my free time. I did not choose to withdraw just for fun! Even though it might look like I'm sitting here playing with stuff, I'm not! Shape puzzles, Legos and the like are helping build new connections in my brain. I still need a lot of rest, and handling stress is very difficult since I don't have the right stuff to do that right now. Even mild stress seems overwhelming, and that's because it is literally over my brain's capacity to cope. There is just so much misconception about brain injury. For that reason, I am so thankful for the people who are helping me along the way. You are all so amazing, and your support means more than I can say. One thing that's really quite difficult is the embarrassment about my problems speaking. I often stutter, mix words up, have to carefully pronounce words with more than two syllables... At least, when I'm writing, I can look back at what someone says and take time to figure it out. I can look at what I have written in response and review it to see if it makes sense. People don't have to worry about the stuttering and slower speech.  Most people don't know about the discomfort I feel when I try to communicate verbally.  I think that, after the latest stressor is under some control, I will start talking to some trusted people on Skype, via phone, etc.  I will choose people who have been supportive...those who won't give me a hard time when stuff doesn't come out right. Anyway, done writing for the day! Thanks for reading!

Rearranging Days

Good evening, all:

I had to ask for a school withdrawal, since after a week-and-a-half of trying to go to classes, I learned that it just wasn't going to work. In a way, I am extremely relieved, because that means I can focus on recovery and not stress about school. The other nice thing is that my days can be flexible. Yesterday, I spent two hours working on dosing and organizing meds. The brain was officially fried, so I was able to grab some down time last night and today. That wouldn't have been possible if I was still in school right now. The other thing is that, for awhile, I was so darn grumpy for no apparent reason. Mood swings can happen with brain injury. So I was able to focus on a relaxing activity so the cranky Bethany wouldn't harm someone with words. I am quite thankful for the ability to be flexible with my days, since I never know what's going to happen!

Mini Victories

One of the problems I have with my brain injury is that I can't make connections in my mind. I have little pieces of information, but I can't figure out how to put them together to make a big picture.

Imagine that you're asked to read something, and then someone asks you to tell him or her the plot in one sentence, the main idea or the theme. If you only read about one character, the first sentence and the end, you can't do that. That's what this is like; I have little bits of information but the inability to connect them in my mind.

Why did I say all of that? Well, that's why I have forgotten how to do simple things--things I have known how to do forever.  I am so thankful for friends who do not laugh at or make fun of me since I have trouble remembering how to do simple things. I am eternally grateful to all who have been willing to encourage me along the way and who rejoice in the little victories with me. I'm thankful for those who reassure me that they don't see me any differently after all of this. I can not tell you all just how much I appreciate the encouragement and reminders that it's okay not to function completeely.

Today, I was able to listen to music for a little while. That's so awesome, because I used to live music. I haven't been able to listen to it for the last six weeks...except for a few minutes...I think some time last week?  I was able to sing with someone and a capela. So it was just a tiny phrase, but that still counts! I also got my medication organizer/reminder today. That reduces stress  so I don't have to worry about forgetting to take my medications, and they are all ready for the month. Hence, my brain is officially fried since I spent two hours working on that stuff. I just wanted to write about mini victories and express gratitude before the sleep thing tonight.

Shalom all!

About Brain Injury

Someone asked me to explain traumatic brain injury, so I decided to write a post giving general information.
Note: for the first weeks--or even months--you'll probably find that these posts are short. That's because of short attention span and fatigue.

The type of brain injury I have is classified as mild. As I mentioned to a TBI survivor, there is nothing mild about it! At least, it doesn't feel mild!
Brain injury occurs when a blow to the head penetrates the skull or makes the brain bounce against the skull. Since the brain controls a lot of things, when brain injury occurs, it can affect many aspects of a person's life.

personality changes
attention span
sensitivity to noise and light
dizziness
headaches
ringing in the ears
imbalance
difficulty recognizing basic needs
trouble understanding suttle language cues: (facial expressions, humor and sarcasm vs. serious speech,  etc.)
concentration difficulty

trouble thinking, remembering and comprehending concepts
difficulty finding words,communicating, , stuttering,
reading, writing and spelling
memory loss

Everyone experiences symptoms differently and other symptoms not listed here. 
Symptoms get better in time, and there are ways to learn how to do tasks that have been lost. I need to stop writing now, since I can't focus anymore, but I will write more later!

Genesis

Someone suggested that I start a journal that recounts my brain injury recovery. This could be really cool, so I can look back at it on discouraging days or just to see how far I have come. I'll try to make sure this isn't too disorganized, but remember that it is a brain injury recovery blog!

First, many people ask me how I sustained the brain injury, so here's the story:
At the end of January, I had two grand mal seizures for the first time in four years. I didn't have enough warning time to get into a safe position. I fell and hit my head on the tile floor; I hit it at least once, but possibly more times during the first seizure. I ended up with a concussion and post-concussion syndrome. That just means that the concussion symptoms hang on for a long time. My neurologist tells me it will take six months to a year to recover completely. There could still be some...what's the word?...uh...there's a word for problems that don't completely go away, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe residual? Anyway, first, I'll start out by detailing the things I have done so far to help with recovery. That will come in the next post.