Something happened to me yesterday that helped me to understand a limitation. Since planning and judgment are mixed up, I didn't exactly think through this and see potential problems. Okay, so here's what happened...

I wrote some thoughts about something on Twitter. You know that I have trouble finding the right words, stringing them into sentences, etc. Someone commented, and I tried to clarify what I was really saying, since it seemed that she misunderstood. That's not a big deal; misunderstandings happen all the time. I kept trying to explain, and eventually said that I wasn't going to continue the discussion since I didn't feel she was hearing what I said. At one point, she asked me why I was getting so defensive. The answer was valid, but I didn't realize until later that it was only part of the problem.
When a person experiences
emotional burns,
even things (like this) that feel more like attacks can bring back a lot of stuff related to trauma. That's what happened here, but there is no way I would state that since I would then be told to "give it to God" or something to that affect. "Why are you getting so defensive anyway?" she asked. I was talking to my boyfriend about this whole thing when I finally understood:

If I am having trouble putting sentences and thoughts together and understanding whole concepts, how can I defend my position. I know that she never meant to take advantage of the TBI, but that is what happened! I can not debate, argue, challenge or defend a position since I do not understand whole concepts. As I think about this, I wonder if I recognized the vulnerability. I do remember feeling really anxious, which increased with each reply that was tossed my way. The stuff I said to try to explain what I had written--the thing that started this Twitter war--was pretty laughable.
#1: I didn't feel like she heard a word I said...it was like her opinion was the only one that counted for anything. Oh, and of course I was wrong about everything I said.
#2: I wrote things as thoughts...observations, not as opinions and certainly not facts.
#3: TBI or not, my thoughts needed to be respected. The bombardment of stuff telling me I was incorrect in absolutely everything should never have entered my timeline.

So after that ambush, there has been a setback in the trust department. I do not want to engage in conversation where I will be asked, told, commanded or otherwise notified to state something that can be argued. It's so strange and really frustrating not to even be able to explain stuff or reason with someone. It seems so childish, but I guess it's really not? This person was unfollowed, but I can't help but wonder if that was evidence of...um...cowardice? Maybe it was the healthy thing to do...because even if she was in debate mode, it seemed more like an attack, perhaps because I did not know how to answer the rebuffs. Things just kept coming my way, and I could not defend my position. That statement alone makes me want to cry...what happened to the forensic psych student who could play psychological expert witness? Where is the girl who wrote crisis intervention scripts, hypothetical? counseling/client sessions and papers on disorders/theories/treatments/reflections? I know all of that is still in there somewhere; I just don't have the connections to find it. If you asked me to tell you the DSM IV-TR classification for bipolar disorder, I could have rattled all that off in thirty seconds! At the moment, I can sort of tell you what it is, but that's about it. Maybe the reason the stuff that happened yesterday bothers me so much is because I saw someone--someone I would have called a friend--disregard who I am at the moment. I had no idea how to explain what I thought and felt about her replies, and given what I have seen, that wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm not sure if she forgot the TBI, or if it just didn't matter...as long as she could get her ideas of right and wrong out there. Okay, I think I'm done, and I am not going back through this novel...I already know how disorganized it is. I'm sort of wondering if I have been reduced as a person...either because apparently I do not "know" what's going on, or because I am not sure how to handle the debates, arguments or otherwise forceful discussions. Ask me to prove something with facts or produce justifications for what I think, and...that's just not happening! I am anxious about engaging in discussion anyway, since I'm not sure who will use me for target practice...next. One more thing: I am eternally grateful to those who have been willing to stick with me, temporary changes and all. Since all the TBI stuff increases when I am under stress, I thank the person who was willing to listen to me stutter my way through stuff last night!
So finally?...Just... Bethany fail! That is all!